{survival}

I'm happy to report that through my 4+ month hiatus of writing, that indeed we all survived Everest's first year of life on the outside. There were moments over the last 12 months that it looked dreary, bleak, and next to impossible to just keep pressing on and waking up every new day to do all the crazy all over again. And yet, from where I stand now... I wouldn't change a thing.

Isn't that the interesting and baffling fact of life? That somehow, through some strange and strong force outside ourselves, we pull through the weeds, the pain, and climb the treacherous mountains that take every amount of willpower we can muster, and we come out feeling like it was a magical and fantastic experience (though I'm not sure I'd describe a huge chunk of this last year in those specific terms). Sometimes we are so disillusioned and forget all the pain entirely and willingly walk through the same path again and again.

With time, we all change and grow, seeing things in a new way, and transforming our hearts and thoughts as we learn from others and ourselves.

I think the most miraculous change happens in your first 12 months of life. Through images alone, you can see it. At only a month old, Ever was barely able to identify Aaron and I from across the room and now the kid says, "Oh wow." 

Here are some big deals I want to remember from this first year as I see these images all together:

Month 1: I loved how Ever looked in his robot jammies. In fact, he may have worn those jammie's 5/7 days of the week because I thought they were so dang cute. He nursed like a champ, was super snuggly, and slept in his cradle right next to our bed. He was definitely on a 2-3 hour clock that first 4 weeks and we were living off of coffee. The superpowers you get from new parenthood set in again and Aaron and I were an unstoppable (though very exhausted) team.

Month 2: He started to squeak and smile! There was some slight interaction now and he loved laying on his back kicking his legs wildly. I remember thinking I took way too many pictures of him on that rug we had in the front room, but he was always happy there, and the light was good. Still a good nurser and on a 3 hour schedule. When he was unhappy all our tricks that worked with Amity went out the window. We quickly realized that we knew nothing and were going to have to start from scratch. The kid hated light, had to be nursed and put to sleep in a very dark and quiet room (aside from the rattle of a very loud fan for white noise).

Month 3: I started calling him buggy sometime around this month because his cute little sense of humor came out and it seemed fitting with his budding personality, squeaks and squawks, but still he was so tiny and fragile. This was the month he started to realize sister existed (more than he had before anyway) and everything she did was magic. Therefore the nursing struggle began as buggy became way more interested in anything but consuming calories (still the story of his life to some degree - crazy kid).

Month 4: More robot jammies. The adorable level is through the roof here. Gosh, I don't remember a lot about month four except that that was when he went through a crazy sleep regression and sometimes we were up every 1-2 hours for what felt like forever. There's probably a correlation with me not remembering much and lack of sleep... Memory loss anyone? 

Month 5: Ever's hair started to turn blonder (more like sister's) and he moved into the big kid room and into his crib for not just naps anymore, but overnight. There were a lot of nights where none of us slept, but Amity seemed to adjust really well to the chaos and screaming and would snooze on through it. When we were having a particularly hard time getting Ever to go back to sleep after waking in the middle of the night, if we took him to try and let him sleep back in our room, sister would cry and wail and be so distraught that we took baby brother. It was heart breaking and so sweet all at the same time. We gradually began moving from a 4 nap day to a 2 nap day (it took 2 months for that to really stick). 

Month 6: We began turning a corner. A corner of longer stretches of sleep at night (sometimes 6 straight hours!), more consistent naps during the day, and happier awake times that were moving toward independent play. We helped to prop Ever up with a half moon of various pillow in case he toppled anywhere on a the rainbow arc behind him, and watched as he started to play, explore, and grow. 

Month 7: I remember distinctly that at some point this month Ever started sleeping through the night on occasion and we began to feel human again. I joked with a friend that I was afraid I wasn't going to remember anything from the first half year of his life, and in some ways that is entirely true (again the short term memory loss thing), but I remember that this was the month I started to deeply, madly, and wholly fall in love with Everest. Of course I loved him always, but c'mon, you totally know what I mean. He now was becoming so interactive and quite hilarious and the flood gates that had let out love here and there as it was needed in the past, now toppled over. Also, on Mother's Day he said his first word and it was "Mom-mom," so clearly I elevated to his favorite. 

I started to feel like I was no longer just surviving.

And this is when I stopped blogging (for the most part). I think when you are really enjoying life, and things are going amazing (comparatively), sometimes those are the hardest times to jot notes about what is happening or say a prayer of thanks. It's like that for me and a small part of me also thought that if I put it out there and say Hey, I'm a real woman again and I sleep 8 hours straight now. I don't put the milk in the freezer anymore and set dirty diapers in the fridge! Life is awesome again! that likely the streak of luck would break and it would all be back to the crazy... the crazy that just moments ago felt like I was crawling out of each half hour of our day and holding on for dear life. I couldn't risk that. I only spoke it aloud to a few friends and family members but was otherwise very general and vague in my communication.

Month 8: Sitting up, rolling every possible direction and inches away from crawling left me watching in wonderment as little man bloomed every single day right before our eyes. He is still not a super vocal kiddo though he knows multiple words now. Whenever sadness did overtake him though he always asked for "Mom-mom." Amity has always been super sweet and an extremely helpful big sister. This month Ever started to really interact more with her in a way where she seemed like she was feeling appreciated and the relationship they had started to bloom into a friendship. There were moments of rolling a ball to each other, crawling around and laughing hysterically in the grassy knoll behind our townhome and just a sense that these two have a connection that cannot be fabricated but is raw, real, and beautiful.

Month 9: This is the month Ever learned to cry to communicate in a new way how much he wanted to be with us 24/7. He would cry with his mouth pinched, his forehead wrinkled and his eyes squished shut and very little sound would escape his mouth.  His cry is funny and it's so hard not to laugh when he's doing this. He learned to master it - tearless of course - and has the ability to turn it off at the flip of a switch. Silly goose. Drama started in the family this month because sister realized that now that Ever could crawl, he had access to everything and that meant all of the toys! Learning to share. It all started here.  He also would make the most hilarious stinky face anywhere and everywhere. 

Month 10: Everest expressed his love for anything with wheels. He started to make up sound effects for cars, trucks, trains, etc. and Voom Voom them to and fro. He loved being outside and playing the guitar or the banjo. Oh man, the GUITAR! I almost forgot! This kid is destined to love music. He headbangs like you only wish you knew how to... with abandon, true devotion, and a spriteful beat as well.

Month 11: More movement, more food consumed, more sleep, more of all the good things in life and we were so excited to celebrate him being one!

And then... it was here.

Happy birthday little guy. What a ride you've taken us on. Our family feels so much fuller and complete now.