{being a good mom when you're really angry}

This morning was rough. The day started as usual, like most days, where the boy sleeps in, the girl is up and jumping on us by 6:30am. She was especially wired and we had to retreat to the basement after 30 minutes of trying to play quietly. This allowed momma to get some editing done, and Ami Lou to get out her wiggles without constantly being reminded to calm down or to please play more quietly. Sometimes I wonder if those words even mean anything to kids. ;)

I was trying to multitask and be productive with photography, but also sell some items online I'm no longer using and we need to purge to help make our space a little less chaotic. Elated, I found someone interested in buying my newborn poser for 1/2 of what I bought it new + a blanket I've used for lots of shoots to go with it. We confirmed that she'd come pick it up this Saturday. Woohoo! While I was on a roll selling stuff, I thought - might as well list a few other items we've been talking about.

In a matter of about 10 minutes my whole demeanor changed. I went from feeling happy, productive, and proud that we were going to declutter and make some mullah, to anger, frustration, and sadness. Girly had decided it would be fun to catapult off the futon onto the poser (the one I just virtually committed to sell and was in practically mint condition) and due to her impact it now has a 5 inch split in the leather on the bottom and packing peanuts started to spill out.

Oh man. I was so tempted to scream.

Here's the conversation in my head "Are you kidding me? What the heck were you thinking? I JUST SOLD THAT!! This is super frustrating and I'm soooo mad at you? This is why we can't have nice things! Agghghhghghghg."

Thankfully I just left the room to calm down and think through what I really wanted to communicate to her which sounded something like this. "Mommy is really frustrated. Do you know why? (wait for answer) Sometimes when we mess up it's the best thing to apologize and help make it better. It's our jobs to try to take the best care of the things we have but sometimes we make mistakes and things can get broken. I understand that and I love you."

We then duct taped it together. I'll write the photographer later today asking if she'll take it still for 1/2 of what we had agreed on.

Am I still frustrated? Yes. Am I still pretty angry? Yes. But is it worth demeaning Ami or continually making her feel bad for an honest mistake? No. Never.

Sigh. So today I will work to remind myself that I have lots of opportunity today to show her love and to choose forgiveness. Her heart and her knowledge of my love for her far outweigh the frustration of making less money than I had planned.

{the new awesome}

My days aren't always what I pictured they would be as a mommy. Pinterest is a huge disappointment sometimes in that arena.

I'm learning each day to define what is awesome about my life right now in a new way and that is extremely intentional on my part. I could find a dozen reasons why my days aren't awesome or how they are sometimes mundane, lonely, filled with tantrums, and the opposite in my mind of what I want them to be and what I pictured 20, 10, 5 years ago -- and even 5 hours ago!

Amity has been testing my patience to the max lately and argues about naps, food, sitting on the counter, wiping her tush, you name it. We could dance in a power struggle some days every 15 minutes. But I won't. I refuse to let negativity seep into my day and her day and suck all life from it. Sometimes we just need space from each other (since we're basically the same person at different points in life you know), and that is a blessing. Getting that though and helping her understand that she may need that too can be tough. This whole parenting thing that goes on 24/7 - truthfully is just plain hard. It's hard to redefine awesome. It's hard to keep doing the work of a momma when I just want to have 5 minutes where everyone is awesome and happy (and really I want a WHOLE day of that).

What has been key for me in transforming my thoughts is my tribe. Momma tribes exist everywhere and if you're not part of one and you're a momma to little ones, in my mind it is the KEY to sanity and camaraderie. I just can't do this alone, and I don't want to.

By exposing my vulnerabilities, the tricky parenting fields I'm navigating to my friends, I find out that I'm totally not alone and that they TOO are choosing to find the awesome within the chaos. For them, it can also mean sleepless nights, or babies that will not be put down for any length of time and their biceps are probably going to fall off. My tribe shares stories of embarrassing fits that make them leave stores, restaurants, and playdates. I am not alone.

We are all in this together. I could wallow in the moments that didn't go well or set my sights on the ones that made my heart soar and help me fulfill this calling of shaping, forming, and molding these young people hearts with tenderness and love as much as I'm able to give it. I'll choose the latter today --- and hopefully tomorrow too.

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Moments of joy and awesome today so far:

* Amity jumped right in the middle of the action at Storytime and created extra room in an overcrowded group to allow a little boy room to hold onto the parachute at the end.

* Everest ate 3/4 of a banana, 1/2 a granola bar, 1/4 of a grilled cheese sandwich, and 5 goldfish all before noon and was a peach because of a full tummy

* Ever loved jumping while I lifted him up and down until my shoulders ached during the storytime songs

* Amity spelled out her name as we read her "Lost My Name" book and identified the letters as we went along

* They played together in their little kitchen without a peep or argument for 10 straight minutes

* I got in my workout and a quick shower before our day officially began

* Both of them are napping for the moment and I'm having a moment to blog which feels oh so good.