I always knew I wanted to become a mom, but I don't think I could have ever envisioned what being a mom really meant, until I lived a day as one. It's kinda the same for lots of things in my life. Fitness for example -- something I've always longed to be good at and do to live a long and healthy life -- but isn't always the easiest thing or exactly how I envisioned it being.
I'm now three weeks into my fitness challenge and have already succeeded in losing 55% of my goal weight with 10 days to go. Aaron and I have talked circles about working out, eating well, what is hard for me, what is easy for me, blah blah blah. What I think I find myself struggling with the very most, of all things dealing with working on becoming more of the person I want to be is feeling that I deserve to be that person.
As a mom, we all know those days where it feels like you just want to take the easier route to pop on a show from Netflix, have some peace and quiet while sipping a hot (emphasis on hot mind you) cup of coffee and thinking for the next 20-30 minutes and maybe even zoning out. There's really nothing wrong with this and I have no intention of judging others who do this every day of their lives because heck, we do what we think is best at the moment and with the circumstances we are dealt. For me though, I felt my heart tugging and telling me that this wasn't the kind of parent I wanted to be and that Amity's behavior issues as of late were likely directly caused because she was fending for herself watching shows often while mom did her own thing (initially so I could figure out life with a new baby but that's not really an excuse I can use anymore). So - I nixed that. In fact, the girl has had zero time watching anything (except a movie at Grandma & Grandpa's a few weekends ago (which in my mind is different), and she has been a total peach and joy to be around. I'm way more fun to be around too. So -- the question is, why was I running from living in a way that would make me more happy, make her more happy, make everyone more happy?
I tested that theory... to see if my kid would actually be super effected by screen time and watched James and the Giant Peach with her one morning during Ever's nap (also during the week I was a solo parent while Aaron was on a work trip in California recently). All seemed well, until it just didn't. It wasn't the moment after the movie ended, but the tantrums and constant arguing and asking for more screentime began within 10 minutes and led to multiple meltdowns and angry tears.
It wasn't worth it. The theory was in fact correct and for now, the kid can't handle any tv, shows, movies, etc. unless we are willing to handle a battle and forfeit the happiness in the home.
Subject change but connected...
My relationship with food is complicated. I see the goal I want to hit, whether it's those jeans I long to fit in again, or the way I want to feel in my swim suit this summer, or a number on the scale, and sometimes... too many times over the years... I will see progress and get closer to that goal and then I'll sabotage it. It's almost an unconscious decision. Lately I'm more aware either right before I do it, or while I'm doing it, but for years this really negative voice would start screaming in my head all of the reasons I really didn't deserve to make that goal actually come true or why I wasn't enough. The easier road in weight loss is to stay where we are right? Change is scary! There's an unknown about how I'll feel about myself if I lose weight, if I look different, if I even feel different -- even IF that's going to be a BETTER different.
Last weekend I drove my husband to the airport. It's his first business trip since we had Ever. I missed him like mad and like I said, most days (the days I didn't test the movie theory), we made it, and happy to report, had a wonderful time just mommy, Ami, and Ever. Everest is growing leaps and bounds. He hit 7 months old, can say "Momma" and "Bubba" (bottle), and is working on "Hi" and "Dada". The cuteness is overwhelming. I intentionally unplugged and was just there for my kids, taking time for myself when I worked out during Ever's nap with Ami and then not again until they were both in bed.
However, by the 5th day of flying solo, the food struggle became real. It was so hard not to feel entitled to eat what I wanted because I had endured being a single parent for almost a week. Surely, eating french fries and a giant strawberry lemonade was owed to me and no one could blame me for indulging after 15+ hour days with two little people and usually a midnight feeding in there too.
This is the pickle I find myself in. Using food as a "reward" for a difficult situation sets me back from all my hard work. But it is so tough to see that in the moment and to think through why I'm reacting emotionally and seeing food as the answer. I don't really want to nonverbally communicate that to Amity but I know I am.
The solution? I don't really have one. Writing helps though. It makes me conscious. It makes me examine my life, my goals, my behavior. That's a step in a positive direction I know.
Sunday, May 24, 2015
Thursday, May 7, 2015
{challenge}
I really like a good challenge. In fact, I'd almost dare to say that I am the best me when I'm under the gun of a challenge.
I scan Instragram way too much. However, a few days ago I saw a photo that Tony Horton (the crazy P90X guy) posted on his feed about a challenge he was running through a company called Dietbet. I thought I had heard of that somewhere before and maybe seen some friends compete in it but wasn't exactly sure what it all entailed. I found myself selecting the link in his profile, browsing the game he had set up and thought to myself... I. have. to. do. this. now.
So here's the gist in a few words. You sign up. You pay the bet for whatever game you're in (the one for Tony Horton was a $30 buy in), you try to lose a % of body weight by the end of 4 weeks and if you accomplish that, you get a piece of the pot (the total from all the players who placed a bet). For this challenge, you have to lose 4% body weight in 28 days which will be a challenge, no doubt, but totally seems doable too! And the pot? Well last I checked it was at $80,000! Yup, you read that right! There are a lot of people who are in the game, but not everyone will win and I am betting on myself to be one of the winners.
Immediately after reading the rules and details, I texted Aaron and asked him if he thought I could go for it. Sheepishly, I was kinda wondering if he believed that I could actually do it. He totally jumped on board and said yeah! Why not get paid to lose weight? Sounds like a no-brainer to me! He also told me he knew I could do it and he'd do whatever I needed him to to help me get there.
So that is my newest challenge. To lose 4% body weight from May 5 - June 2.
It's now been 4 days straight that I've gotten my tush in gear and worked out, hit a shower right after, put on real clothes, and though I'm sore, and tired from being up with one or both of my kiddos, I have a new found energy - a peace - a restorative outlook on who I am and who I working on becoming.
Working out doesn't seem like it would change that much in your life. It doesn't seem like taking 30 minutes would really make a difference, not in how I feel, how I look, or how I approach the day. But it does. It totally does. And that's why I knew that I had to join this challenge. It would be my first step into working on something just for me, but truly - it's never just for me and I know it will spill over and make me a better wife, a better mommy, a better homemaker, a better photographer, and the list really does and could go on.
I know that for me the challenge to become more in touch with the person I was created to be is something I want to take seriously. It's not easy. Just like giving up gluten after eating it my whole life and then realizing at about age 22 that it was wrecking my innards and was the main reason for all my gi problems was seriously hard. It challenged me to think about two things in particular: Do I want to be the type of person who satisfies myself in the moment - no matter the cost? Or - do I care about the me in 10 years that will be thankful for choices I make today and will effect my life and happiness for the many tomorrows on the horizon?
I'm choosing the latter. At least today anyway. And hopefully tomorrow.
Aaron told me that in a book he read about creating a habit, you just have to change one small thing to make a really big difference over the long run. Obviously, this is why crash diets and such are over before they've begun. Adding in a 30 min workout to my life and then just watching what I'm putting in my body is doable for me and not a huge change from what I currently was doing. Being more conscious of what goes in my body will be the big thing and I'll want it to be something that will help me the following day in my next workout and not make it even harder.
Cheers to a bright month of struggles that await but gratitude for the blooming that is already happening.
Tuesday, May 5, 2015
{tuesday}
It was 5:30 am and Bridget started scratching annoyingly loud at the patch of carpet behind our recliner in the room. My instinct kicked in and I thought she just might poop in our room or something, so I threw off the covers, and to my surprise almost tripped over Ami who was curled up in the doorway and laying on the floor. To add to the chaos, she was naked except for her pull-up which isn't how she went to bed last night...
I told her I'd be right back and that she could crawl in bed with daddy while I took Bridge out to go potty. We snuggled until about 30 minutes later when Ami said the scariest words any parent could hear, especially while laying in our sanctuary of sheets and a quilt. "Mom, I need to throw up." Quickly, I picked her up, rushed to the bathroom, tripped over Bridget (darn dog), and set her up by the potty only to notice she had already thrown up all down my shirt and on my pants. Sigh.
That's how the day began.
Poor kiddo.
There's really nothing more difficult as a parent than seeing your kid suffer or feel ill and not being able to do anything about it. It's heartbreaking. In moments like this - I was looking for room to see beyond the difficulty -- to see how this doesn't have to throw the day off but how I can be a more compassionate momma. Trust me, sometimes this isn't my first instinct, but I'm really working on it. Amity and Ever are worth it. In these moments, the kind of love you have for your child that you never knew existed until they came into being is really brought back into view.
She seems to be doing better but I'm convinced that this rainy weather and gloomy skies were planned so we could watch movies and snuggle today -- taking it easy and helping everyone to be on the mend for the rest of the week.
Today I carried her. I carried her all the way up the stairs like a baby and she hugged me tightly, fingers in her mouth, snuggling like she used to when she was oh-so-tiny. She has been napping in our bed (it's a special thing ya know) so that Ever can consistently nap in his crib. This is also going really well.
But when she came downstairs just a bit ago after napping, she told me that her pants got a little wet from her water. It wasn't her water... and we have entered into this new phase of kidhood/parenting known as lying. I asked her multiple times if it was water or pee and reminded her that I wouldn't be upset if it was pee but that it would not be good to tell a lie and that would make me upset.
She stuck to her story. From the moment we entered the bedroom I knew it wasn't water.
Kids pee in beds. In fact, it's really no big deal and she naps in undies all the time now and this very rarely happens anymore. But it is a big deal to lie about it. So we are starting that discussion and it's not an easy one.
I hugged her and told her that I loved her. I told her that lying is something that is very hurtful and that it would always be better to tell the truth, even if you're afraid of getting in trouble. We hugged again. She squeezed me really tight and said she was very sorry. And I know she was.
Today isn't the kind of day to drive that point home any further. She started off not feeling well and we'll try again tomorrow and see if lying needs to be addressed again.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Sometimes, especially on days like today, I've often lived life like it's an emergency. These words were in my book today and I am thankful they came into play on such a day as this, to be a reminder for me.
"The skin's tugged hard by the rush of time and I say it aloud in current pounding past, words I need like water: Calm. Haste makes waste. Life is not an emergency. Life is brief an it is fleeting but it is not an emergency" (pg. 73).
As I grabbed hold of my bedding, found some clean undies and pants for my girl, I took my time tidying up the room a bit, reminding her of how much I love her and slowly walking down the stairs together.
I am thankful for her heart. I am thankful for her love. I am thankful for soon-to-be freshly, cleaned sheets for tonight!
Today's post feels pretty scattered, but I think I'll come back to it and remind myself of the importance to live life like it's not an emergency because kids will get sick, babies won't nap well (poor bub has had a pretty tough napping day), but it's alright. It's totally alright.
I told her I'd be right back and that she could crawl in bed with daddy while I took Bridge out to go potty. We snuggled until about 30 minutes later when Ami said the scariest words any parent could hear, especially while laying in our sanctuary of sheets and a quilt. "Mom, I need to throw up." Quickly, I picked her up, rushed to the bathroom, tripped over Bridget (darn dog), and set her up by the potty only to notice she had already thrown up all down my shirt and on my pants. Sigh.
That's how the day began.
Poor kiddo.
There's really nothing more difficult as a parent than seeing your kid suffer or feel ill and not being able to do anything about it. It's heartbreaking. In moments like this - I was looking for room to see beyond the difficulty -- to see how this doesn't have to throw the day off but how I can be a more compassionate momma. Trust me, sometimes this isn't my first instinct, but I'm really working on it. Amity and Ever are worth it. In these moments, the kind of love you have for your child that you never knew existed until they came into being is really brought back into view.
She seems to be doing better but I'm convinced that this rainy weather and gloomy skies were planned so we could watch movies and snuggle today -- taking it easy and helping everyone to be on the mend for the rest of the week.
Today I carried her. I carried her all the way up the stairs like a baby and she hugged me tightly, fingers in her mouth, snuggling like she used to when she was oh-so-tiny. She has been napping in our bed (it's a special thing ya know) so that Ever can consistently nap in his crib. This is also going really well.
But when she came downstairs just a bit ago after napping, she told me that her pants got a little wet from her water. It wasn't her water... and we have entered into this new phase of kidhood/parenting known as lying. I asked her multiple times if it was water or pee and reminded her that I wouldn't be upset if it was pee but that it would not be good to tell a lie and that would make me upset.
She stuck to her story. From the moment we entered the bedroom I knew it wasn't water.
Kids pee in beds. In fact, it's really no big deal and she naps in undies all the time now and this very rarely happens anymore. But it is a big deal to lie about it. So we are starting that discussion and it's not an easy one.
I hugged her and told her that I loved her. I told her that lying is something that is very hurtful and that it would always be better to tell the truth, even if you're afraid of getting in trouble. We hugged again. She squeezed me really tight and said she was very sorry. And I know she was.
Today isn't the kind of day to drive that point home any further. She started off not feeling well and we'll try again tomorrow and see if lying needs to be addressed again.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Sometimes, especially on days like today, I've often lived life like it's an emergency. These words were in my book today and I am thankful they came into play on such a day as this, to be a reminder for me.
"The skin's tugged hard by the rush of time and I say it aloud in current pounding past, words I need like water: Calm. Haste makes waste. Life is not an emergency. Life is brief an it is fleeting but it is not an emergency" (pg. 73).
As I grabbed hold of my bedding, found some clean undies and pants for my girl, I took my time tidying up the room a bit, reminding her of how much I love her and slowly walking down the stairs together.
I am thankful for her heart. I am thankful for her love. I am thankful for soon-to-be freshly, cleaned sheets for tonight!
Today's post feels pretty scattered, but I think I'll come back to it and remind myself of the importance to live life like it's not an emergency because kids will get sick, babies won't nap well (poor bub has had a pretty tough napping day), but it's alright. It's totally alright.
Monday, May 4, 2015
{balance}
Trying to find a way to keep all the things in my head in order, accomplish all that I've set out to do for the day, while being a fun, attentive, and compassionate mom, not to mention the chef of the home, who wears her jeans at least 2 days a week instead of sweats or yoga pants, and makes time to genuinely listen to what's going on in my husband's life/work, is just as hard as it is to break this sentence up so it's not so incredibly long and definitely qualifying as a run on without a doubt.
Balance.
I'm not too great at it.
I'm trying to get back into a workout routine now that bubba is 6 months old, summer is right around the corner, and I want to feel great in summer dresses and shorts. I tried to workout twice today already and both times kiddos woke from their naps (opposite kiddo each time) and it had to be put on hold. I'm still in the world of pumping almost exclusively now as Ever has refused to nurse even at the 3am feed the last 3 nights and first thing in the morning when he wakes up. Pumping takes up 20-30 minutes of every nap, leaving me very little time to get that workout in as well as all the other to-dos: laundry, dishes, picking up, wiping down the bathroom, getting dinner prepped and in the oven, taking the dog out, and the list goes on.
When I left teaching I left feeling pretty defeated. I felt like teaching was truly a profession where there is always more work to do or be done. You can never really be all caught up until that lovely day in June when the room gets locked for 2+ months. Being a mom and considering that my main "job" though is very much the same.
A lot of friends and family members have told me that all the little chores can wait, that it's ok to leave things messy, because tending to kids is a huge job all on its own and there will be a time when they are older and the chores and such will get done and easier. I both find this comforting and really challenging. Of course if Amity wants to play or do a puzzle together and the only thing I was going to do otherwise was the dishes, I should choose to hang out with my daughter. Often that's the choice I make. However, there's something to me (maybe still the teacher in me) that likes to have the list in my head somewhat checked off for the day. In teaching the principal gives you continual feedback, teammates give you feedback, and you are constantly able to know where you measure up, what areas to improve, what areas you're doing great at and you can relax about. Motherhood leaves me longing for that. Of course Aaron tells me I'm doing a great job but there's no written form at the end of each day giving me constructive feedback or criticism on all the other jobs that come with being a mom. So sometimes, I want to tell Ami that right now I really need to do the dishes and a lot of times that is true - dishes need to be done so we have something to eat dinner on and breakfast the next day...
It's also a way for me to take a moment and do the things I think I need to be doing since I'm home. Taking care of the home and the kids. Saying to myself, "I'll find time to work out and read for myself when Aaron is home." Truthfully though, it's really tough. It's tough after a day of kiddos since 6am to be motivated at all to go burn off some calories after 5pm and usually it's likely to be closer to 8pm.
So how do I balance that? How do I make time to take care of me and focus on the things I want to do for my health and well being, but still manage to get everything else done?
My friend Jolene would tell me to make a list and get all this stuff outta my head and on paper. I think that's a good first start. Crossing off a list always makes me feel accomplished and is easy to analyze at the end of the day... but the struggle is making time for writing the list in the first place.
Hmmmm... maybe I'll try getting up at 5/5:30 and see if getting things in before the kiddos/hubby wake up might be helpful. I'll think on that and maybe move in that direction.
Any thoughts on balance that I can incorporate?
Balance.
I'm not too great at it.
I'm trying to get back into a workout routine now that bubba is 6 months old, summer is right around the corner, and I want to feel great in summer dresses and shorts. I tried to workout twice today already and both times kiddos woke from their naps (opposite kiddo each time) and it had to be put on hold. I'm still in the world of pumping almost exclusively now as Ever has refused to nurse even at the 3am feed the last 3 nights and first thing in the morning when he wakes up. Pumping takes up 20-30 minutes of every nap, leaving me very little time to get that workout in as well as all the other to-dos: laundry, dishes, picking up, wiping down the bathroom, getting dinner prepped and in the oven, taking the dog out, and the list goes on.
When I left teaching I left feeling pretty defeated. I felt like teaching was truly a profession where there is always more work to do or be done. You can never really be all caught up until that lovely day in June when the room gets locked for 2+ months. Being a mom and considering that my main "job" though is very much the same.
A lot of friends and family members have told me that all the little chores can wait, that it's ok to leave things messy, because tending to kids is a huge job all on its own and there will be a time when they are older and the chores and such will get done and easier. I both find this comforting and really challenging. Of course if Amity wants to play or do a puzzle together and the only thing I was going to do otherwise was the dishes, I should choose to hang out with my daughter. Often that's the choice I make. However, there's something to me (maybe still the teacher in me) that likes to have the list in my head somewhat checked off for the day. In teaching the principal gives you continual feedback, teammates give you feedback, and you are constantly able to know where you measure up, what areas to improve, what areas you're doing great at and you can relax about. Motherhood leaves me longing for that. Of course Aaron tells me I'm doing a great job but there's no written form at the end of each day giving me constructive feedback or criticism on all the other jobs that come with being a mom. So sometimes, I want to tell Ami that right now I really need to do the dishes and a lot of times that is true - dishes need to be done so we have something to eat dinner on and breakfast the next day...
It's also a way for me to take a moment and do the things I think I need to be doing since I'm home. Taking care of the home and the kids. Saying to myself, "I'll find time to work out and read for myself when Aaron is home." Truthfully though, it's really tough. It's tough after a day of kiddos since 6am to be motivated at all to go burn off some calories after 5pm and usually it's likely to be closer to 8pm.
So how do I balance that? How do I make time to take care of me and focus on the things I want to do for my health and well being, but still manage to get everything else done?
My friend Jolene would tell me to make a list and get all this stuff outta my head and on paper. I think that's a good first start. Crossing off a list always makes me feel accomplished and is easy to analyze at the end of the day... but the struggle is making time for writing the list in the first place.
Hmmmm... maybe I'll try getting up at 5/5:30 and see if getting things in before the kiddos/hubby wake up might be helpful. I'll think on that and maybe move in that direction.
Any thoughts on balance that I can incorporate?
Friday, May 1, 2015
{spring and a new way to live}
"Go with your gut"
Why is that the hardest thing for me as a mom sometimes but it never steers me wrong? The last few days, I've set aside my type A personality a whole heck of a lot and ignored the clock. I know what you're thinking... Kim? Ignoring the schedule in her head? Heaven must be on its way, but alas -- it is true. I have watched Ever like never before. I have watched his hunger cues like I did when I held him that first week and was just getting to know his tiny face, chubby fingers, and soft skin. What amazes me is that if I had stuck to my thought of "don't feed him but every 3.5-4 hours because he's old enough now to take a good feed at those times and if he eats more often then he'll be a snacker and I'll be up forever or never get him on any sort of routine," I would not have known that sometimes he's hungry (like a beast even) at 2.5 hours and other times can wait over 4 for his next bottle.
I'm in the world of the pumping mommas now and all but am hooked to a milk machine and listening to sound of the drone except for nursing little man when he first wakes up and if he wakes in the middle of the night. This is due to a decision recommended by our pediatrician and the lactation nurse at the hospital we delivered at simply because little Ever is too busy to actually get the hind milk from momma and won't nurse without fighting or for more than 5-10 minutes. So, taking this approach to watching my baby, I decided I'd get all that milk to him through bottles and move them around as he watches the world, smiles at his sister delightfully, and just go with it. Is it a little inconvenient? Yes, truthfully it totally is. Is it becoming a little more of a thing and just how we roll? Definitely. That's ok. This won't be my life forever or his for that matter. Before he knows it, he'll be drinking Fresca with his big sis out of "big kid" cup and laughing about how fun it is. *tear*
The true benefit from doing bottles? I know exactly how much milk this kid is getting now and that to me is a blessing.
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This excerpt from One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp left me in a very contemplative spot last night and I want to remember this so I'm going to type it out here:
"Why would the world need more anger, more outrage? How does it save the world to reject unabashed joy when it is joy that saves us? Rejecting joy to stand in solidarity with the suffering doesn't rescue the suffering. The converse does. The brave who focus on all things good and all things beautiful and all things true, even in the small who give thanks for it and discover joy even in the here and now, they are the change agents who bring fullest Light to all the world. When we lay the soil of our hard lives open to the rain of grace and let joy penetrate our cracked and dry places, let joy soak into our broken skin and deep crevices, life grows. How can this not be the best thing for the world? For us? The clouds open when we mouth thanks" (p. 58)
This is true in my life, and I've seen it work miraculously. When I have stayed in the darkness, let it penetrate who I am and what I am about, even for an afternoon -- people I love are affected, people I encounter are affected, and no one can see the joy I really do have for so many things I have been given. I wonder if when I focus so much on myself, this also is part of the problem. When I wrap up my world around me and don't bother to see that my life will never be just about me, I miss the big picture and miss out on a lot of amazing joy in my days.
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Today I took the kids to the garden center and we picked out two different kinds of ground cover plants: Blue Star Creeper and Elfin Thyme. Amity was so extremely excited to pick them out, help push the cart back to the car, and welcome them into our backyard project space. She delights so much in the beauty of nature, the smell of the seasons, and the feel of getting dirty and being a part of the outdoors. We rushed home before the afternoon storm hit and I got the kids both down (hallelujah) for their naps and got the little guys all planted around our recently reworked patio area for the trashcan and grill to be housed.
I am thankful for the rain.
I am thankful for the smell the rain leaves behind for the rest of the afternoon.
I am thankful for my daughter's laugh.
I am thankful for new life in the form of green leaves.
I am thankful it's spring.
Doing small things like we did today by heading out to see friends this morning, accepting a 30 minute nap from Everest afterward, and making the most of some extra time to head to the garden center was refreshing. It really was good for my soul instead of trying to get him to nap longer and missing the signal from him that he was in fact hungry (he downed 6.5 oz after that 30 min nap!). This weekend is bound to be great and I'm so excited to share in some of these sweet moments with Aaron too.
Why is that the hardest thing for me as a mom sometimes but it never steers me wrong? The last few days, I've set aside my type A personality a whole heck of a lot and ignored the clock. I know what you're thinking... Kim? Ignoring the schedule in her head? Heaven must be on its way, but alas -- it is true. I have watched Ever like never before. I have watched his hunger cues like I did when I held him that first week and was just getting to know his tiny face, chubby fingers, and soft skin. What amazes me is that if I had stuck to my thought of "don't feed him but every 3.5-4 hours because he's old enough now to take a good feed at those times and if he eats more often then he'll be a snacker and I'll be up forever or never get him on any sort of routine," I would not have known that sometimes he's hungry (like a beast even) at 2.5 hours and other times can wait over 4 for his next bottle.
I'm in the world of the pumping mommas now and all but am hooked to a milk machine and listening to sound of the drone except for nursing little man when he first wakes up and if he wakes in the middle of the night. This is due to a decision recommended by our pediatrician and the lactation nurse at the hospital we delivered at simply because little Ever is too busy to actually get the hind milk from momma and won't nurse without fighting or for more than 5-10 minutes. So, taking this approach to watching my baby, I decided I'd get all that milk to him through bottles and move them around as he watches the world, smiles at his sister delightfully, and just go with it. Is it a little inconvenient? Yes, truthfully it totally is. Is it becoming a little more of a thing and just how we roll? Definitely. That's ok. This won't be my life forever or his for that matter. Before he knows it, he'll be drinking Fresca with his big sis out of "big kid" cup and laughing about how fun it is. *tear*
The true benefit from doing bottles? I know exactly how much milk this kid is getting now and that to me is a blessing.
--------------------------------------------------
This excerpt from One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp left me in a very contemplative spot last night and I want to remember this so I'm going to type it out here:
"Why would the world need more anger, more outrage? How does it save the world to reject unabashed joy when it is joy that saves us? Rejecting joy to stand in solidarity with the suffering doesn't rescue the suffering. The converse does. The brave who focus on all things good and all things beautiful and all things true, even in the small who give thanks for it and discover joy even in the here and now, they are the change agents who bring fullest Light to all the world. When we lay the soil of our hard lives open to the rain of grace and let joy penetrate our cracked and dry places, let joy soak into our broken skin and deep crevices, life grows. How can this not be the best thing for the world? For us? The clouds open when we mouth thanks" (p. 58)
This is true in my life, and I've seen it work miraculously. When I have stayed in the darkness, let it penetrate who I am and what I am about, even for an afternoon -- people I love are affected, people I encounter are affected, and no one can see the joy I really do have for so many things I have been given. I wonder if when I focus so much on myself, this also is part of the problem. When I wrap up my world around me and don't bother to see that my life will never be just about me, I miss the big picture and miss out on a lot of amazing joy in my days.
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Today I took the kids to the garden center and we picked out two different kinds of ground cover plants: Blue Star Creeper and Elfin Thyme. Amity was so extremely excited to pick them out, help push the cart back to the car, and welcome them into our backyard project space. She delights so much in the beauty of nature, the smell of the seasons, and the feel of getting dirty and being a part of the outdoors. We rushed home before the afternoon storm hit and I got the kids both down (hallelujah) for their naps and got the little guys all planted around our recently reworked patio area for the trashcan and grill to be housed.
I am thankful for the rain.
I am thankful for the smell the rain leaves behind for the rest of the afternoon.
I am thankful for my daughter's laugh.
I am thankful for new life in the form of green leaves.
I am thankful it's spring.
Doing small things like we did today by heading out to see friends this morning, accepting a 30 minute nap from Everest afterward, and making the most of some extra time to head to the garden center was refreshing. It really was good for my soul instead of trying to get him to nap longer and missing the signal from him that he was in fact hungry (he downed 6.5 oz after that 30 min nap!). This weekend is bound to be great and I'm so excited to share in some of these sweet moments with Aaron too.
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